Cruise Ship Tour Insurrection

Just like the Pirates of the Caribbean, occasionally the tour operators and the cruise ship companies apparently conspire to make money off the passengers, which is OK if it's adding value to both sides of the transaction. This is a story of where that "value and consideration" train not only wrecked, but was eventually tossed overboard.

Let's start with Truth in Advertising: This $99 tour was advertised as a "4x4 Adventure and Safari" which implied to all ten of us on the tour as an off road adventure. To add insult to injury, on the shipboard television, the tour showed open topped jeeps driving on dirt roads. So we, and four other unsuspecting couples took the plunge and signed up. We all figured - "hey, this is a great bargain" as it would be a six-and-one=half hour tour for under one hundred bucks. Caveat emptor (let the buyer beware) certainly proved to fit this situation.

So, on the day of the tour (St. Maarten was the island), we all assembled on the dockside and were met by a person who was only there to take us to the tour person. She was a babe in the woods and didn't have much in the way of answers, nor excuses, as it turned out. We walked to a small bus, and were driven to a rental car lot. That's the larger picture you see, of brand spanking new FOUR DOOR Jeeps (with hardtops, mind you). And the tour leader then laid another bombshell on us - on a six hour tour, we'd be "self-guided" by tuning the CB radio in each Jeep to channel 5, which would have to be reset after each stop. Our guide would go alone in the first jeep, and we'd follow (and listen) in Jeeps 2, 3 and 4.

Oh yes, another wrinkle - the jeeps had to carry a minimum of three, maximum of 5 passengers. Little miss tour guide of course had her personal jeep, and couldn't take anybody with her, so one couple ended up being broken up - naturally, me and Elizabeth. I rode with an Ohio deputy sheriff and his wife, Elizabeth had no clue other than "he was a truck driver, therefore a bit pissed that he had to drive". The third jeep had two couples in it.

The tour advertising talked about seeing things "off the beaten path", which may well have been another lie (we didn't stay long enough to determine this) since off we went, in these low mileage and fairly luxurious four door jeeps. Dutifully tuned to channel 5, we listened to our guide as she drove us on city streets and paved highways. OK, after passing three "ifyou'll look to your left" advisories where scenic overlook pull-offs where present, and we did NOT stop. That's one of the "scenic views" as shot through the windshield while Deputy Dawg drove.

The insurrection jelled at the first stop - a bar at the end of the runway, where the signs warned that jet blast could actually kill you. Oh great, this is what we paid for? Told we had half an hour to walk around, then back to the Jeeps, the tour guide quickly realized she was in trouble. All ten of us started comparing notes, and expectations in the parking lot. A vote was taken and it was unanimous - take us back to the ship or else. She didn't want to ask what the else would be, but quickly turned to the classic Nuremberg defense "I was only following orders". So, back into the luxury Jeeps, switching drivers so we all could have a chance to experience the "off road" city streets and highways - past the McDonalds, and to the rental yard where another foursome told us "hey, these jeeps can be rented for $100 a day". Oh great, we just paid $396 bucks for four of us to rent the same jeeps.

Turned in the keys, back on the bus and back to the ship. Naturally, nobody was there to meet us, so we walked en masse to the ship and presented ourselves to the desk staff. Ultimately, an officer appeared and agreed to refund all of the money, AND as a bonus promised us a free trip the following day. One of the couples actually traded up to a $124 golf outing the following day, we took the $66 bike tour of St. Croix, and Elizabeth left for a $99 spa treatment. And the best part - the cruise line promised to change the literature so others wouldn't be sucked into a $99 a day, six hour (buy your OWN lunch) ripoff.

Name that Flag

Now, the first thing you notice about Caribbean island nations are their national flags.

Can you identify this flag? No, despite the uncanny resemblance to "Star Fleet", it actually is for the island nation of St. Lucia. While I wasn't that impressed by Barbados and Antigua, I'd probably go back and explore a bit more of this lovely island, as well as St. Maarten (where half the island is governed by the Dutch, the other half by the French) and our final stop - which was St. Croix. St. Croix, along with American Virgins St. Thomas and St. John, fly the old Stars and Stripes proudly over these "most eastern land masses" under U.S. governance. The American Virgin Islands have one other unique feature - based on their earlier governance by Great Britain, they all drive on the "wrong" side of the road. We landed at Fredericksted, and didn't get to see the other major town, Christensted, so that's reason alone to go back.

Actually, the flag on the right is the command flag for the Enterprise, but you have to wonder if the government of St. Lucia wasn't under the influence of James Tiberius Kirk when they chose a flag at independence in 1979. One thing for certain, this island and its many sister islands all incorporate in some fashion the blue of the ocean, and the yellow of the sun, in their national flags. St. Lucia (named after Saint Lucy of France) was a marvelous island, where we did three events - the Segway, an off-road truck ride, and a beach adventure. As we came in, there was a small airstrip where I saw several turbo-prop aircraft come in and depart. So, I'm putting this island on my bucket list for an extended stay sometime - cruise ships are great to find these jewels in the Caribbean, but if you really want to enjoy them, a day is simply not enough.

Ten Years After

I decided to pull out a picture of me from during my term of Mayor of Wildwood, which dates the shot on the left somewhere in the 2000-2004 period. I'd guess 2001 from the shirt I was wearing (corporate logo cannot be seen, but we'd order new shirts for trade shows and that was just after Y2K). The shot on the right is current, from a funeral I attended several months ago. Funerals and church are the only occasions anymore for wearing a dress shirt and tie.

Several observations, of which the obvious one is that I STILL HAVE MY HAIR (eat your heart out, balding peers from the Class of 65). The other would have to be I still have those rosy cheeks which remind me that I really need to find a good dermatologist here in Florida in case the sun is doing me any harm. Finally, while my hair is still headed to gray, it hasn't completely turned. We'll see how long that lasts, but after one foolish foray into coloring my hair several years ago, which will never be forgotten by my wife and kids, I think I'll let nature run her course. Hey, I trusted the cosmetologist "cutter" who told me I'd look sexy or some other promise that simply ended up with me looking silly. This could also be attributed to vanity, which I now believe should be limited to using that word in the context of furniture only.

Well, soon I'll be a grandfather and baby Cole Robert Kreienkamp will arrive before I reach medicare eligibility. I guess I'm soon going to have to admit to being truly old, even though four Corvettes since 2004 would indicate me still firmly rooted in middle age crazy. Wonder if I can justify that fifth corvette in time for the child to truly appreciate riding with "gramps" in it. That assumes that Caitlin will allow me to take the boy for a ride - if somebody says I'm "wild and crazy", I can guarantee they're going to be at least half right, no matter what.

Put your stomach into it

This is a Segway X-2, capable of hauling otherwise poorly coordinated folk around an island under battery power - oh so green technology that's actually fun to ride. It's really quite fascinating, in that an onboard gyroscope is perfectly attuned to the riders body and will follow the slightest hint of direction. Closest thing I can relate it to was a Honda 50 from my youth, where you'd lean into the turns while moving the handlebars. The Segway, at $7,000 new and far more expensive than the classic Honda step-thru, does not have a kickstand. You simply find a slight uphill rise and point it in that direction, and like a well behaved horse it simply waits for you to remount. It also has a speed adjustment, which the tour guides waited till we were all doing OK, then asked if we wanted to "dial it up". No doubt the battery life was longer in the extended mode, but changing that speed dial made it VERY interesting and fun to ride. I had seen Segways on nearby islands, and in downtown Sarasota, as well as other Florida cities - at this point they're pretty much the province of tour operators and shopping mall security cops, but they may catch on. My wife said she'd love to have one, although it does tend to negate the exercise value of a bicycle.

To operate, simply step aboard and place your feet evenly spaced apart, with heel and toe equidistant from both ends of the floorboard. Grasping the mountain bike styled handlebars, lean your body forward to advance, tilt slightly backward to retreat. The stalk that supports the handlebars is like a joystick, and you can tilt it right to turn in that direction, or conversely tilt left for a counter-clockwise turn. By leaning and steering, you'd be surprised of the tight turning radius of this device. It helps to be completely stopped while dismounting - I watched a 275 pound ex-Army Captain put his in a ditch by cowboy riding. It took the tour operator and this large veteran to muscle it out of this deep ditch. Apparently he didn't follow directions to shift your weight to your heels to stop. The machine tends to encourage good posture, and your supposed to lean your otherwise ramrod straight body, but as you can see from the picture, I was using my own natural beer ballast to really throw myself into the adventure.

The first iteration of the Segway had one handlebar fixed and the other able to shift forward and backward - kind of like the Shimano gears on my bike. The X-2 eliminated that feature and made the machine even more intuitive, so clearly with a Segway "the horse knows the way" and all you have do do is steer with your body. In the one hour I rode it, I got to the point where I had one hand free to shoot video - which I'm not putting on the blog as it takes forever and a day to load up. Trust me, it's an easy skill set to master and I'd recommend all who can try it once or twice - the most fun you can have with your clothes on.

The Alpha and the Omega of my September 2011 trip

Two views of nature in the islands, one of immense strength and another of delicate beauty.

That's St. Croix on the left, with the waves breaking over coral rock and tossing Atlantic water onto the shore of this American territory in the U.S. Virgins. The orchids resided on Barbados, our first island stop where 30,000 orchid plants resided 850 feet above sea level in the middle of this island. You can learn more at www.orchidworldbarbados.com. These two pictures represent the bookends of the cruise, starting in Barbados and ending in St. Croix, from rare beauty to awesome power of water meeting land. And it also represented both ends of my travel - by bus to the Orchid World, and by bicycle six miles from Frederiksted to Ham's Bay (and back another six). A little known fact about St. Croix - the only American territory where people legally drive on the left side of the road. Of these two islands, I think I'd have to rank the last visited better than the first.

Escape to the Eastern Caribbean

If you've actually missed me, I was out of the office, so to speak. For a week, no phone calls, no emails, not even getting up to walk the dog.

Now, fans of Ripley Wild can rest assured that he too was on vacation. Ripley went to the home of his foster mom, Lori, where he got lots of loving and enjoyed her very large fenced yard and three other beagles to run and play alongside.

Rip actually had a longer vacation than did I, having gone with Lori and Kevin on Saturday after we all had a chance to introduce our "inland" Floridian friends to the island life of Longboat Key. Ripley has always been quick to jump into a car and go for a ride, and his trip lasted till this past Sunday (9.18.2011) when we arrived back at the Tampa airport to be picked up by my son. Then, it was off to pick up Ripley in a Tampa suburb, and with all four of us in a VW, back to the island.

So, where did I go? - lots of places I'd not seen before, starting with Barbados, then Antigua, followed by St. Lucia, St. Maartin, and finally ending in St. Croix before sailing overnight back to San Juan, Puerto Rico. One day at sea, then five islands, each for a glorious day. Can't wait until my next ship, and my next trip.

Small boys eventually grow up

Today we had a visit from an old friend who lived next door to me back in our mutual home city of Indianapolis. We hung out together in the neighborhood and did the usual stupid things boys did. Eventually he moved away, and I finished high school and attempted college. If I recall, both of us were not the greatest scholars in school, but we both managed to graduate. As it turned out, we lost touch with each other for periods of time, during which we both served in the Air Force, unbeknownst to each other. I got married, he got married, we both had a son and a daughter (although in reverse order for him), and eventually we both ended up living in Florida. I'm retired and drawing social security, he's still working to pay my social security. Thanks, buddy!

John (his name also) and his wife live two hours north (although his driving tends to shorten that time frame) in Wesley Chapel, and today with their 19 year old son visiting friends in Seattle, and their married daughter in Hawaii, we had a chance to meet up and do lunch on the island. The picture of the two of us shows graceful aging - both still have our own hair, and our wives insist both of us are going deaf. It's called "marriage deafness - or selective hearing". Say something really offensive to a male, and we'll hear it.

It's really nice to have these mini-reunions from time to time, to talk about kids, politics (a safe topic, we're both conservatives), hopes for our children, etc. Both are daughters are married, both our sons are single. His daughter is a combat photographer in the Air Force, mine is a combat manager in a bank branch (so far neither have been shot at......yet). We might beat him to having grandkids however, as our daughter is expecting after Thanksgiving. Once that happens, we'll probably get together again and wives will look at baby pictures, and we'll once again voice our disappointment in our current government. The more things change, the more they stay the same - except with each passing year we get better at NOT hearing what our wives think we should be doing instead.

Oh yes, Ripley (whose contract calls for frequent mention in my blog) was a good boy and continued his recovery from his recent back surgery. He has found a new place to rest, under the dining room table.