Cruise Ship Tour Insurrection

Just like the Pirates of the Caribbean, occasionally the tour operators and the cruise ship companies apparently conspire to make money off the passengers, which is OK if it's adding value to both sides of the transaction. This is a story of where that "value and consideration" train not only wrecked, but was eventually tossed overboard.

Let's start with Truth in Advertising: This $99 tour was advertised as a "4x4 Adventure and Safari" which implied to all ten of us on the tour as an off road adventure. To add insult to injury, on the shipboard television, the tour showed open topped jeeps driving on dirt roads. So we, and four other unsuspecting couples took the plunge and signed up. We all figured - "hey, this is a great bargain" as it would be a six-and-one=half hour tour for under one hundred bucks. Caveat emptor (let the buyer beware) certainly proved to fit this situation.

So, on the day of the tour (St. Maarten was the island), we all assembled on the dockside and were met by a person who was only there to take us to the tour person. She was a babe in the woods and didn't have much in the way of answers, nor excuses, as it turned out. We walked to a small bus, and were driven to a rental car lot. That's the larger picture you see, of brand spanking new FOUR DOOR Jeeps (with hardtops, mind you). And the tour leader then laid another bombshell on us - on a six hour tour, we'd be "self-guided" by tuning the CB radio in each Jeep to channel 5, which would have to be reset after each stop. Our guide would go alone in the first jeep, and we'd follow (and listen) in Jeeps 2, 3 and 4.

Oh yes, another wrinkle - the jeeps had to carry a minimum of three, maximum of 5 passengers. Little miss tour guide of course had her personal jeep, and couldn't take anybody with her, so one couple ended up being broken up - naturally, me and Elizabeth. I rode with an Ohio deputy sheriff and his wife, Elizabeth had no clue other than "he was a truck driver, therefore a bit pissed that he had to drive". The third jeep had two couples in it.

The tour advertising talked about seeing things "off the beaten path", which may well have been another lie (we didn't stay long enough to determine this) since off we went, in these low mileage and fairly luxurious four door jeeps. Dutifully tuned to channel 5, we listened to our guide as she drove us on city streets and paved highways. OK, after passing three "ifyou'll look to your left" advisories where scenic overlook pull-offs where present, and we did NOT stop. That's one of the "scenic views" as shot through the windshield while Deputy Dawg drove.

The insurrection jelled at the first stop - a bar at the end of the runway, where the signs warned that jet blast could actually kill you. Oh great, this is what we paid for? Told we had half an hour to walk around, then back to the Jeeps, the tour guide quickly realized she was in trouble. All ten of us started comparing notes, and expectations in the parking lot. A vote was taken and it was unanimous - take us back to the ship or else. She didn't want to ask what the else would be, but quickly turned to the classic Nuremberg defense "I was only following orders". So, back into the luxury Jeeps, switching drivers so we all could have a chance to experience the "off road" city streets and highways - past the McDonalds, and to the rental yard where another foursome told us "hey, these jeeps can be rented for $100 a day". Oh great, we just paid $396 bucks for four of us to rent the same jeeps.

Turned in the keys, back on the bus and back to the ship. Naturally, nobody was there to meet us, so we walked en masse to the ship and presented ourselves to the desk staff. Ultimately, an officer appeared and agreed to refund all of the money, AND as a bonus promised us a free trip the following day. One of the couples actually traded up to a $124 golf outing the following day, we took the $66 bike tour of St. Croix, and Elizabeth left for a $99 spa treatment. And the best part - the cruise line promised to change the literature so others wouldn't be sucked into a $99 a day, six hour (buy your OWN lunch) ripoff.