Put your stomach into it

This is a Segway X-2, capable of hauling otherwise poorly coordinated folk around an island under battery power - oh so green technology that's actually fun to ride. It's really quite fascinating, in that an onboard gyroscope is perfectly attuned to the riders body and will follow the slightest hint of direction. Closest thing I can relate it to was a Honda 50 from my youth, where you'd lean into the turns while moving the handlebars. The Segway, at $7,000 new and far more expensive than the classic Honda step-thru, does not have a kickstand. You simply find a slight uphill rise and point it in that direction, and like a well behaved horse it simply waits for you to remount. It also has a speed adjustment, which the tour guides waited till we were all doing OK, then asked if we wanted to "dial it up". No doubt the battery life was longer in the extended mode, but changing that speed dial made it VERY interesting and fun to ride. I had seen Segways on nearby islands, and in downtown Sarasota, as well as other Florida cities - at this point they're pretty much the province of tour operators and shopping mall security cops, but they may catch on. My wife said she'd love to have one, although it does tend to negate the exercise value of a bicycle.

To operate, simply step aboard and place your feet evenly spaced apart, with heel and toe equidistant from both ends of the floorboard. Grasping the mountain bike styled handlebars, lean your body forward to advance, tilt slightly backward to retreat. The stalk that supports the handlebars is like a joystick, and you can tilt it right to turn in that direction, or conversely tilt left for a counter-clockwise turn. By leaning and steering, you'd be surprised of the tight turning radius of this device. It helps to be completely stopped while dismounting - I watched a 275 pound ex-Army Captain put his in a ditch by cowboy riding. It took the tour operator and this large veteran to muscle it out of this deep ditch. Apparently he didn't follow directions to shift your weight to your heels to stop. The machine tends to encourage good posture, and your supposed to lean your otherwise ramrod straight body, but as you can see from the picture, I was using my own natural beer ballast to really throw myself into the adventure.

The first iteration of the Segway had one handlebar fixed and the other able to shift forward and backward - kind of like the Shimano gears on my bike. The X-2 eliminated that feature and made the machine even more intuitive, so clearly with a Segway "the horse knows the way" and all you have do do is steer with your body. In the one hour I rode it, I got to the point where I had one hand free to shoot video - which I'm not putting on the blog as it takes forever and a day to load up. Trust me, it's an easy skill set to master and I'd recommend all who can try it once or twice - the most fun you can have with your clothes on.

Lights, Action, Camera

The sub-title for this blog entry might well be "When I realized a tripod would make a great Christmas gift request", as evidenced by the somewhat herky-jerky camera work. Now, I've never been known as a great camera operator, and when I was in the Air Force I suffered with industrial grade cameras with lenses that "racked". I found a picture of a very thin me, back in 1969, behind the camera. Having been told I had a face for radio, I logically needed to have a technical job. That's me in the background, talking (as usual)and the good looking guy is Serge Claus Peter Neumann (Pete) who is still working in broadcasting and too busy to read this blog. One of those lenses actually was a zoom, but my current Sony HK1 can run circles around these "lowest bidder" Defense Department cameras. They were made by an outfit called DAGE. Supposedly they sold a lot of cameras to industrial users, but I'm convinced the letters stood for Dumb Ass Government Equipment. Oh well, it beat loading bombs under F-4's at Danang.

Anyway, I was culling through far too many pictures on my computer and trying to organize several, which discarding even more. I found this island band from some cruise pictures and I think the island was Coco Cay (the private island of Royal Caribbean lines). Every cruise line has their own "private island", and RCCL has several - this one in the Bahamas chain, the other Labadie, in Haiti. Private islands are a source of "foreign aid" to these island nation governments (or whatever passes for a government in Haiti). My one trip to Labadie took place during a driving rain storm, but I had promised a dear friend I'd purchase a t-shirt for him there, and I did. I think I also captured another native band playing steel drum music. I believe steel drum band musician is the fourth or fifth most popular job title in the islands, behind native crafts maker/seller, marijuana vendor, jewelry store salesperson, and government employee/poorly trained person with a gun.



Anyway, this file is like 69 megabytes, and about two and a half minutes long. After you tire of watching me try to hold the camera still,just listen to the sound and let it take you back to the islands. Next time I post a video, perhaps I'll be using that tripod I got from Santa Claus. Speaking of Jolly Old St. Nick, I heard recently that the elves were going out on strike - tired of being subordinate clauses.

Cars all tell a story

OK, this is a hypothetical question of course, but which of these cars, seen at Universal Studios, would you like to drive? That is, assuming you could get the one out of the tree? Knowing me, I think you'd guess my answer, but I suspect you'd be wrong.

I'd take the Elwood and Joliet Jake "blues mobile", a retired cop car, and gleefully park it all over Longboat Key. It would drive my neighbors (and the cops) crazy. Cars with this much character are routinely stopped along Gulf of Mexico Drive, for real or suspected infractions of the law. Longboat Key, where I live, is an island which is perhaps all of ten miles long (although the addresses don't seem to run any higher than the 7900 block), and at it's wide spot, maybe three quarters to seven-eighths wide. The town was incorporated in 1955, and severely "down-zoned" in the mid 1980's. Original zoning allowed for up to 100,000 people, much like the high rise nature of Miami or Clearwater, but now you'd be hard pressed to find 20,000 people in residence. That would be "full up", and since many of the condos and homes are second, even third, residences, we just don't see that much traffic. After 7:30 PM, when many of the residents have gone to bed after watching the news, you could shoot a cannon down GMD, and not hit anything except perhaps a very confused sea turtle. The speed limit is 45, although a few locals believe 30 is more appropriate to their age, and diminished reaction times. A Corvette never gets a chance to exhibit it's talents, and the dearth of passing zones eliminates showing off that 430 horses.

Now, the Harry Potter car (in the tree) never was in the running, and the Jurassic Park SUV might be a good second choice...........considering the number of old dinosaurs living here, but that old black & white would be "the" dream car to own.
And that air raid siren speaker on the roof would be great, just to ease up behind one of the local slowpokes and suggest "either lead, follow, or get the hell out of the way". An air horn tied to that speaker might also facilitate frightening some of those old farts enough to give up driving completely.

Florida State Road 789 runs the length of the island, and in most months you don't have to worry about bumper to bumper traffic. If it is bad at all, it's bad at the north end when the bridge is up. Oh yes, you can't get onto the island except from other islands, north and south of us. That's why we really don't have a crime problem - only a couple of ways in, and twice as many police as there are exits to cover. We have a very good police force, but they can get bored. We have neighbors who think any car older than five years must be driven by a criminal, or worse yet, a day laborer. That's why the Blues Brother's car would be so much fun to have, just to piss off those who think of themselves as better than the rest. It's great to live here, but I haven't let it go to my head (and hope I never do).

Dazed and Confused

They say a picture is worth a thousand words. This one is worth a thousand laughs.

Enter the tourist with camera and prop guitar, and his amused son who thought this picture was so great that he actually paid good money for it. I guess the tips at Outback Steakhouse were better the prior several days. I was saving it to give to my wife (who generally never reads this blog, unless I insist) as a gag gift at Christmas, but she is off at Sunday school, and I have time to work without getting caught.

This of course was from my trip to Universal Studios, where we ate lunch at the Hard Rock Cafe. Like Chickenman, they're everywhere, they're everywhere, but this was the first time I was met at the door by a photographer who pressed an electric guitar into my hands and suggested I strike a pose. Enter "Johnny D. Goode", standing by his very amused son. My son actually can play the guitar, like ringing a bell, but I am musically deprived. When I was VERY young, I took piano lessons. I took them, they didn't take however. I know the scale (well two actually, if you're preparing a fish)and it goes, C.D.E.F.G.A.B.C. and I can find "middle C" on a piano. My recital piece was called "Puppy Dogs", and I played it, but in the wrong key. So, I do have an ear for music, but after my year of living dangerously as an Air Force DJ in SE Asia, I also probably damaged that ear by playing rock and roll too loud in my headset. I also developed some talent for carrying the harp - my mother was (still is at 91) a harpist, and before my younger brother took over, I was the harp slave, who carried the damn things over hill and vale. That ruined me as a musician - the idea of carrying a piano was even far more odious.

So, back to the story - here we were, me with the guitar, the camera, the too-light jacket for that cold and blustery day, and the hat. The guy said smile, but I apparently wasn't paying attention. The look was worth one thousand words - sorry you had to read the thousand anyway.

Hogwarts Castle by Express Train

Last week, my son and I took a magical trip to visit Harry Potter, son of Colonel Sherman T. Potter, in Orlando. It was a cold and blustery day, but with sufficient crowds of wizard seekers, we found human windbreaks galore. Harry was a no-show, perhaps off to Korea to visit his dad, but we did see many of the local inhabitants garbed in their Olde English clothing. All seemed a bit overweight, until we realized these were native Floridians wearing ski parkas under their cloaks and gowns. It was that cold, I swear.

Universal studios for me was a first time visit, and the Studios side of the park featured a number of familiar street landscapes, and several interactive rides. We also had an opportunity to watch two guys doing a great takeoff on the Blues Brothers, complete with driving off in the old police car from the movie. we got to take the Men In Black ride, and participate in a disaster movie.

Leaving the studio side, you passed once again through the City Walk and headed to the Island of Adventure. And, of course the feature this year was the town of Hogsmeade (which I thought at first was a ham flavored beer), the many shops (all offering tempting trinkets to purchase), and of course the rides. If so inclined (inclined, get it?) you could ride the "Flight of the Hippogriff", a roller coaster pulled by a giant bird. J.B. and I passed on that one, and we also declined to eat at the Hogs Head Pub, or the Three Broomsticks restaurant. I did take a number of pictures, and should I actually read the books, I might gain a better perspective of that funny little car, or why you'd name a store "Dervish and Banges".

If you are in the Orlando area, and anxious to drop a couple of hundred easily, I would suggest that you visit Universal's Island of Adventure. It is a true Marvel, where Spiderman and you can ride the Incredible Hulk Coaster, among other rides. I personally chose not to sacrifice my expensive Hard Rock lunch over the side of any coaster, and on a day that spray from the water rides was freezing in mid-air, I stayed high and dry, although not necessarily warm.

Very much like "Downtown Disney", there are some nice places to eat and browse outside the gates of the two parks ("City Walk"), but then you go through the turnstiles where they scan your finger (or thumb) print and the bar code on your ticket, which upon visiting the second park (one is Universal Studios, the other Islands of Adventure) you simply present your chosen digit and they allow you to pass back and forth all day long. Of course, when I gave them the finger, it failed to scan before finally working. I guess my prints are now FIRMLY in "the system". I'm sure our federal government has hacked this database as well. Maybe I should have bought one of those magic wands in Hogsmeade, so I could erase my presence, although those bright flash memory erasers sold at MIB might do the trick as well.

The literature in the tourist brochure tells you "be courageous, be outrageous, be extraordinary" - shucks, I mastered that crap in eighth grade. What's next?

A Day on the Ship, A Day in the Sun

This is a view of looking "aft"on the "port" side of Jewel of the Seas. Didn't know I could "speak Navy" eh?
Under that glassy dome to the left of this photo was the Solarium, where Taj Mahal met the Hanging Gardens of Babylon - obviously a Norwegian designer's acid trip gone truly bad. Fortunately, it was the only bad decor decision we experienced.

This was a first for me - on my ninth cruise trip, I decided to cast budget to the winds and booked a balcony room. It was a good decision, and made a difference on this ten day jaunt. After consecutive land tours in Panama and Costa Rica, this was to be an "at sea" day, and I began it with a walk around the 12th deck before the crew put out the chairs and the party goers from the night before staked out their place in the sun. This cruise I partook of the exercise facility often, in what turned out to be a futile effort to hold my weight down. Like the Freshman Fifteen, gained that first year in college, cruises are not good places to lose weight. I managed to "manage" my gain to only three pounds over ten days, so on balance I guess all that deck walking, treadmill walking, and stationary bicycle riding helped a bit.

When not exercising, or eating at the Windjammer buffet, I enjoyed the Art Auctions and got in a modicum of trouble collecting some Emile Bellet, a French artist painting in the style of the Fauvres school. He paints in a vivid colors manner, of "size 4" women without facial expression, to represent all women. Earlier, and better known names, of this style included Matisse and Cezanne. They serve free champagne at these auctions, a reason to go, and once you can get past too much Peter Max and Thomas Kinkade (not my favorites), there are some nice works to contemplate adding to your collection. I did not gamble in the casion, nor play any Bingo, but enjoyed the nightly entertainment a lot. Well, "Tango Buenas Aires" got a bit tiresome after the first 20 minutes, but overall all of the shows were fun, and we enjoyed sharing this cruise with British friends of 20 years. Simon & Ann would join us for dinner every night to share their experiences of the day.

A cruise is meant as a time to get away from telephones, emails, and utility bills. After almost forty years of work, I'm starting to master this "retirement gig", and on my next cruise I'll reach "Diamond" status. On this trip, Elizabeth also reached diamond status, but that tale comes tomorrow to tell as I relate our day in and around Georgetown, Grand Cayman.

Do You Know the Way to San Jose?

Costa Rica is Spanish for "rich coast" and it's riches are its environment and people. Our tour guide told us that his nation was 92% literate, and while this country grew lots of bananas, it was no Banana Republic. American high tech companies like Intel operated large facilities to manufacture delicate electronic products, and the universities were well attended by people from throughout the Americas.

Dish type satellite antennas were legion, and indicated a higher standard of living of most residents. We did not see as many bars on windows, as we had in Columbia and Panama either. Eco-tourism and high technology being the main economic drivers, and no Army to fund, this nation has a lot going for it. It also has a significant American ex-pat community living inexpensively on it's Pacific side. We hope to see that part of Costa Rica in a future trip.

The nation abolished its Army in 1949, and is the longest running democracy in Latin America. It is the third ranked in the world (1st in the Americas) in terms of the Environmental Performance Index - a Columbia University environmental health and ecosystem measurement index. We came ashore at Puerto Limon, the only significant town on the Caribbean coast. While I did know the way to San Jose, this nation's capital, it was 100 kilometers/60 miles distant and we only ventured a short distance into the interior.

On this day, we took a jungle ecology tour where we spotted howler monkeys, three-toed sloths, birds and bats - all in the tree canopy. I'd include pictures, except every critter is so darned high up, you'd be looking at them and still not seeing them. Hence, I chose to picture the colorful plumage of this native combo playing the local version of "Jungle Boogie". While they were no Kool & The Gang, their lyrics were just as simple to "get down" to. The flowers here were just downright beautiful too - Costa Rica definitely is on the list for further inspection at a later time.

Panama Jack's New Canoe Canal

Trade and tourism make up a significant portion of the economy of Panama, and the picture at left exemplifies both. This was our third nation on our recent cruise, and to travel to Panama without looking at the Canal, would be like going to Vegas without throwing a quarter into a slot machine. So, after debarking on the Atlantic side in Colon (named after Christopher Columbus), we took a bus to the train, and rode the 48 miles to the Pacific side where we toured the Miraflores Locks.

Fourteen thousand vessels transit the waterway annually, and at present are limited by width and length of each ship. New locks under construction will expand width from 110 feet wide and 965 feet long, to an expanded 180 feet wide and 1,200 feet long. Those are expected to open in 2015, when the old locks turn 100 years of age. Prior to independence of "the zone", the Republic of Panama created a government institution by the name of the Panama Canal Authority (ACP for Autoridad del Canal de Panama in Spanish) to operate all aspects of the waterway.

The government of Panama took over the waterway officially at noon on December 31, 1999, per a treaty signed twenty-two years earlier by Jimmy Carter. The American military installations were turned over, and many were converted to trade or education facilities. One former Army base became a new Panamanian University, other facilities were sub-let by the new government to industry.

The actual railway across the isthmus was leased to The Panama Canal Railway Company, a joint venture between Kansas City Southern and an American inter-modal terminal operator. They were given 50 year lease, and proceeded to replace the aging trackbed with conventional gauge rail (it was narrow gauge before) and refurbish former AMTRAK cars used by tourists during the day, and one trip of businessmen traveling from Panama City in the west to the Colon Free Trade Zone on the Atlantic coast. At the end of the day, a return trip takes those same buyers back to the more populated Pacific side. Colon is the only significant population center on the Atlantic side - where the rains are heaviest due to the mountains in the center of the country. We would experience that same phenomenon in Costa Rica, where bananas are grown in the east, and most of the population is located alongside the Pacific coast.

So, this day had it all - a ship to the port, a bus to the rail head, a train to the Miraflores locks, and a bus ride and tour of Panama City, with return by bus across the country. The railway does not carry passengers as such - only tourists and those two trips for well-heeled buyers who commute between the capitol and the free trade zone in Colon (which our guide said was the second largest duty free zone in the world). Like Alice's Restaurant, "you can get anything you want" in the acres of warehouses in Colon on the Atlantic side. We settled for T-shirts again. Go figure

Romancing the Stone, Part 2

Old town Cartegena was a mix of old architecture and new shops. Windows displayed the latest fashions, while street vendors sold souvenirs and bottled water. It was HOT and muggy, a far cry from the Florida weather (unseasonably cold this year) we had left in Sarasota.

Cartegena is a coastal city, heavily influenced by the Spanish influence from the days following Christopher Columbus' several trips to the Americas. Those early Europeans were not kind to the local natives, and in addition to "local labor" they imported a number of black slaves to build their cities and forts. It was also a place where "confessions" were enticed by torture, and our tour guide seemed determined to show us every instrument of getting to "the truth". They did it all, and people often confessed to alleged crimes (including being witches) to end the torture. Today we've abolished torture and replaced it with taxes.

At the end of the tour, which focused heavily on the impact of the Spanish Inquisition in the new world, we were treated to a "refreshment break" as part of the tour package. My spouse chose bottled water, but I dared to try the local beer. When the pop top came off in my hand, I took it back to the disbursing agent who clearly was prepared for this apparently routine problem - solved by the old fashioned "church key" bottle and can opener. I would not recommend Columbian beer - but I did find it ironic that after touring more churches than I could count, the event was wrapped up by the use of a church key. South Americans practice their religion in every manner imaginable.

Pirates of the caribbean, Part 2

As I returned to the ship, I noticed that Royal Caribbean was as good as its word to help the people of Haiti, as evidenced by these products on the dock awaiting cartage away to the people of the "private island" where in better weather we'd have been in the water, enjoying a lunch on the beach, or perhaps taking advantage of the zip line ride. The island itself has some fairly legitimate "mountains", although nothing like the hills of Tennessee, where I routinely terrorize my wife driving too fast up and down Monteagle. When we arrived, those Haitian hills were shrouded in fog and light rain. The ship was not completely full this trip, with a shade over 1900 passengers where 2200 was the maximum load. As we left Miami, with a first stop at Labadie, we expected to see some evidence of damage from the recent earthquake, but this area was over 100 miles from Port Au Prince, and other than the obvious grinding poverty as evidenced by the persistence of vendors and their hand-me-down fashions, I saw no evidence of a natural disaster, but certainly their nation is a political disaster. The ship set aside a bin to collect passenger's donated clothing, and every day that bin had to be emptied - we were generous in our giving, but the demand clearly would never be met. Haiti clearly was and remains a failed nation-state (says he, the political scientist) and only the people of Haiti can cure two hundred years of corruption and disorder. The hill they must climb is much taller than their fog shrouded mountains. They are a people with strong faith in God - they'll need it.

Pirates of the Caribbean, Part 1

Greetings from sunny, uh, make that wet and windy Labadie, Haiti. Or is it Labadee, Haiti. If T-shirts are the local equivalent of a dictionary, both island spellings appear correct.

On February 14th, I went ashore in a driving rain, my mission to explore this strange land of poverty and misfortune, and perhaps add a small bit of hope to some poor wretch in the form of good old Yankee dollars. Even in the rain, they were laying in wait to ambush my wallet. I never saw it coming.

Have you EVER gone ashore in what has to be considered the 3rd world and found "tourist" prices above incomprehensible? Try an opening gambit of $24 for a cotton T-shirt.....what have these folks been smoking? And foolish me, armed only with my naive innocence and a twenty dollar bill. The picture (notice the raindrop on the lens, lower left) depicts the "Artisan Village", which I later learned was off the "official Royal Caribbean" campus, hence the lair of brigands and thieves (I'd say pirates, but the Somalian version clearly eclipsed this motley crewe). Of course, everybody wanted to take me by the arm and show me their wares, and with few other cruise participants around, I did feel a bit nervous to be honest. Sort of like a black man might feel in Coeur D'Alene, Idaho. But I did my best to spend the money and escape with change, however my thoughts of finding Mexico-like prices (where I've been able to find 'two for $10' easily) were dashed. Ultimately, I managed two for $16, but they wouldn't go for 'three for twenty', so back to the ship with two T-shirts, both spelling Labadee/Labadie differently. I shall keep one for myself and send the other to my dear friend of forty years past, who started me on this blog thing. Oh yeah, that was the day I won the "wet T-shirt contest" by default. My wife watched her drowned rat returning on the pier from the shelter of our stateroom balcony - proof that however brave a man can be, a woman is always smarter.

Pirates of the Carribean - Senior Citizen Edition

That appears to be a drink in my hand. Who says alcohol is fattening - I'm still smaller than my boat, aren't I? And, what's the big deal if I've gained a few pounds - I'm not fat, I'm volume enhanced. I can even wear parts of my old military uniform. Well, I'll admit the part I refer to is my name tag and my ribbons.

That being said, I'd rather cruise than snooze. Being on the boat means no robo-calls at the condo from people seeking my opinion prior to a sales pitch, and our cell phones don't work on the water. Millie gets to enjoy Hagan's Pet Resort, and we get to sleep in without the worry of dog walking for middle of the night bladder calls. There is also no meal preparation, therefore no need to make supply runs to Wal-Mart and fight the tourist season traffic. It's nirvana, take my word for it. Food, fun, sun, more food, more fun, too much sun, and Tums for a chaser.

And I've discovered something I really like - the buffet line in the Windjammer on board, then there's also the ice cream machine on the pool deck, and the pizza and burgers at 11:00 PM back in the solarium. To heck with the formal dining room and an 8:30 PM seating, who needs all that formality, and the need to pack the tuxedo. Did that the first time, took a suit the second, carried a blazer the third cruise, and a light jacket from that point forward. I'm retired, and the suits and ties are firmly ensconced in the closet for only church and funerals.

Cruising has become my passion (other than politics), and I've always believed that if you like something, do it often, or as often as you can afford to. In 2009, my dear wife and I embarked on three cruises, visiting Mexico, Grand Cayman, and Bermuda. We saw Mayan temples, rode dune buggies through muddy jungle trails, piloted Zodiac boats, cycled down abandoned railroad rights-of-way, and probably had more fun in our marriage in one year than some prior decades of those "working years" together. In a few weeks, we leave for ten days on the boat, and for the first time have sprung for a balcony cabin. We'll also meet our good friends from the British Isles, and do a lot of catching up on events in the two years since we last were together.

The challenge will be in deciding what to pack, and then how much can we actually fit in the back of our Corvette driving down to Miami. Florida is a great place to live, if you like to cruise. There are four (4) cruise terminals, and we've embarked from them all. Nearby Tampa is very close, and Port Canaveral isn't that far. Port Everglades (Ft. Lauderdale) and Miami are but five or six hours drive. So no airfares, and no $30 per checked bag to contend with, in addition to hurtling through the sky in an aluminum tube with some poorly screened jihadist in the next aisle wearing Fruit of the Boom underwear.

Hey, I'm pumped and looking forward to walking up that gangplank in a fortnight. We'll see how living very close together in that small space for ten days works out, but if successful we just might try 14 days in Europe to celebrate our 40th anniversary in 2011. And of course, if it's not working out.......there's always that balcony.